‘Why do we fall down, Bruce?

“Why do we fall down, Bruce?”

“So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.”

Chronically ill people focus mostly on the life that passes them by while they’re sick. It’s easy to do, you lie, stagnant, in bed for days because you aren’t capable of doing more, and with today’s social networking at your fingertips, you can keep track of all your friends ‘out there’ living a real life. People quickly move on with their lives, school friends go to work, college friends move abroad, and you’re still in the same place.  So what do you gain, if anything, from being ill?

If I deleted my medical history, what other assets would I lose? What have I learned that I can carry with me when I’m well again?

I’ve learned humility. Being ill from an early age teaches you that you’re not perfect, and that nobody else is. There are limits to what I can do, and while I’m not happy with that, I know that pushing them will not help my health improve any quicker. I’m where I hoped to be now career-wise for example when I was growing up, but that ideal has changed for me. I’m trying to be the best version of myself within my new limits. I still have the same amount of ambition as ever but now I’m pushing it towards goals I can achieve even when I’m not feeling so strong.

I’ve learned to accept myself. It took me months of therapy to let go of my past before this round of illness. I continued to judge myself against the same high standards as I had before when I was healthy, and I was unforgivable on myself when I failed to reach them. I had to learn to end my sentences with (the perfectly valid) reason for my ‘failings.’ I had to learn to say ‘I’m not top of my class- because I have a serious illness. I was dealing with issues not everyone has to go through, so I shouldn’t have been judging myself against their standards. It was hard. I felt like once I started making excuses for myself, it would be tricky to stop. I’ve always been competitive and ambitious and it was heart-breaking to watch my class-mates graduate ahead of me in college. Since then I’ve had a lot of time to self reflect and learn who I am really am.

I’ve learned self confidence. I’ve been through a lot, and I’m still here. I’ve been in the depths of despair with depression, undergone countless hospital tests and still managed to graduate college during the worst of it. I know my strength. I certainly don’t feel strong every day, mentally or physically, but I know I can survive. I know my weaknesses too, and have learned to live with them, not against them. This might not sound very inspiring to self confidence but with that knowledge of what I can and can’t do, I know myself better than anyone could. I stand up myself more now. I will question doctors if I don’t agree with what they want to try next. Doctors are not gods, and shouldn’t be viewed as such. They are humans, just like you and I, they just studied something else in college.

I’ve learned empathy. We all have different issues to deal with in life, and just because it’s not obvious to the naked eye, it doesn’t make it any less difficult. In fact, it can make things harder; people will stand up and help someone with crutches but ignore the pale face of the woman with MS or Fibromyalgia standing behind them. I can see the real pain in someone’s eyes when they say they’re fine, because it’s the same look I give everyone else. So many people close to me don’t know about my health issues, so I would never take anyone else’s health for granted either.

I’ve learned who to trust. I’m often told I’m quiet, to me that’s not a bad thing and most of the time lately it’s because of fatigue but I just don’t open up to many people easily. I don’t bother telling people who don’t care enough about the medical side of things; it’s just a waste of effort. Close friends in the past have never bothered finding out more about what I go through, when I would have researched ways of helping them if the situation was reversed. My friends may be few in number but the relationships I do have are very strong.

Most importantly, I learned how to be happy. Weeks spent lying in bed or watching TV means I knew exactly how I would spend my time if I had the energy. What you want to be doing most instead of lying in bed is what really makes you happy. Most people are too busy and don’t have the same time to reflect, they have to get on with their lives. I’ve developed hobbies and social networks I never would have dreamed of if I had a more normal working life. Both Crohn’s and Fibromyalgia are linked to stress so I have more responsibility than most to spend my life being happy and as stress-free as possible. Plus it helps with the depression too!

Lastly, I’ve learned speaking up helps. Speaking up about invisible illnesses helps not just people who have them, but it helps educate people who are unaware of them. There’s still so much stigma about some illnesses especially depression. Hiding the problem does not make it go away. In fact, even just seeing it as a problem is enough to make the person with it feel too ashamed to seek help. I’m gaining confidence speaking about what illnesses I have, for the benefit of others who might not feel able to yet. They’re not something I’m proud of, but I’m living with them, and they’re part of who I am now.

What have you gained from your illness?